-Public Journal

I feel myself desperately searching for some answer. As I pour over the credits of successful albums in the record store, like I’m waiting for some magical key to jump out and reveal the method of my success. The gates of heaven will open up and shine down on me, filling my mind with the wisdom of God’s plan and breaking the captivity of my mind. That is, my obsession of pursuing my music career. But I’ve already realized the answer I’m looking for isn’t in the CD insert booklets that I love to examine, or the artist biographies I’ve read since I was little. Something told me the answer is inside of me and it always was. The art I need to make will come from within, and that has always been the true marker of my success. Of course I have influences. But it’s in my deep meditative states that everything processes, and art is produced through my lens of existence, my manner of expression. And that, I believe, is the drama that I’m really longing for. That is the excitement I’m craving for my life- another Desire project. 

I feel like a fan of myself, waiting for my favorite artist to drop and selfishly demanding so asap. Meanwhile my humanness is embodying the tortoise, because I burnt out embodying the hare. I’m still tired from the amount of urgency I used to live with. Now it feels impossibly natural to take things slow, be fully present in the current moment, leave tomorrow things for tomorrow. My planners bear many blank spaces, which was not in my plans. Yet I’m grateful for that freedom, something I yearned for ages ago. It’s a new chapter for me, also something I craved. And I crave a new chapter still, but with more peace for the one I’m in. It’s a mental merry go round at times, being ok with where I’m at but still being motivated to go forward with few clear steps in sight. At most maybe the next two or three, sometimes. Try not to get frustrated, this is just life. Careful, I’m starting to blend into the walls.

I’m finding new moments where I feel really alive though. Many of them are familiar, like spending time with Venus (my cat) or conversing with my mom, and these moments feel fresh because I’m truly appreciating them. And I’m not really working on music at all because the thought exhausts me. But there are these moments when my singing voice comes fluttering out of me, or pouring out like water, and it’s the essence of being alive. It’s a gasp of amazement, the sound is to me now. I feel like, I’m accumulating all this energy that I’ll then pour back out-but only in due time.

-What I been on

January started off really hype for me- for the first few days I lived in the fantasy of being off to the races. The core of my website was finished, I had all these plans to get present on the internet again (I’ve been taking a long break from social media) and start pushing the new things I’ve got coming, and then life started life-ing. And a snow storm shut the city down for a week. Well, we’re here now. Best focus on what’s in front of me, not behind.

If you want something new and interesting to consume, here are some of the cool things I watched during Memphis’ 2024 snowblast:

Inner Worlds, Outer Worlds

A beautiful and mind-blowing documentary on the makeup of the universe, human beings, spirituality, religion, and the illusion of separation.

The Unseen Realm

God sits on a council of gods?? And other things we didn’t know about the Bible

Album of the week: Nas’ Illmatic