I had started to feel really numb around music. Especially my music, like it just stopped making me feel. I had lost my desire to work on music, I felt so separated from it. Maybe last year was just really jarring for me, maybe I’m adjusting to life as self-employed. I do know that being disenchanted from your passion sucks. I even mused quitting, which was more of a joke than a real consideration (although vocalizing the notion proved very real to the universe, and I was informed that it was very possible – if I didn’t shut that talk up and get my s*** together). So I’ve been searching endlessly for my vibes again. I found my fire in the most unexpected way- God has a way of making things come together.

Here’s the short of it: a family member got sick, which led to emotions flying and phones dialing, and a rare phone call from my Uncle Danny took me back to where it all started-

About 13 years ago, when I first picked up acoustic guitar, my dream was to play electric guitar. I had a plan: I was gonna save up $20 a month allowance for 5 months to buy this cherry red electric guitar and mini amp off eBay. I hadn’t saved the first dollar when a me-sized package arrived at the house, replete with a cherry red guitar and a mini amp. Unc had heard I was into guitar, and he’s a longtime musician himself. His gift changed the course of my life.

I wouldn’t be here without it or his mentorship. He’s so knowledgeable, 5 minutes of talking to him can send my mind whirling with possibilities. It’s like taking music lessons on steroids-he can put me on game in a few sentences. Thanks to him, I’ve elevated my musicianship a lot, but I kind of hit a plateau. Which brings me full circle: what’s been missing from my music lately?

Unc and I got to talking about the circle of fifths, and he said I hit a wall. Now I didn’t tell him this, he just knew. And he told me to flip that junt upside down *mind blown*. He also told me about how he takes his Jimi Hendrix vinyl from analog to digital because his CDs are missing “information”- audiophile talk for missing frequencies and melodic lines apparently, what he calls “the good stuff.” Which is brilliant. I don’t even know how to do it, but I know that’s real love and dedication. And I also understand hearing music at its best definition, so that it’s hard to downgrade your listening experience (hello McIntosh receiver can’t wait to meet your magical sounds again).

Talking to him made me excited and really remember my roots in a visceral way. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have performed with that electric guitar at my 8th grade talent show and won first place. It started everything. Now that same guitar’s vibrations have been printed on vinyl on my friend’s album. That’s forever. Zooming out made me appreciate where I’ve been rather than being perplexed by it. Lately I’ve been caught up in the challenges. Pursuing a career in music can get convoluted for all the wrong reasons, and I lost sight of what I was doing it for after so long. When your passion becomes work, it’s time to go back to the drawing board. I’ve been looking for that excitement again, and I found it – strangely – in knowing and not knowing. I know a LOT about my craft of making music, but it’s what I don’t know that can be added which is life-giving. Meeting the possibilities in my imagination through learning. I can create the best music of my life, still. I can learn from the masters, still. I don’t know who needs to see this but if there’s something you want to do still, don’t give up. Keep trying. Keep searching. I’ve been doing music for over a decade, and I still haven’t signed a deal yet and I don’t give a f*** lol. That’s not what’s most important to me. What is, and always has been, is making the most beautiful art that I can, which means bettering my skills as an artist. And that, is what I’ve been searching for. The key to myself that was within all along. “Know thyself.” I can’t wait to pick my guitar back up.