Pure energy

I must’ve watched this video dozens of times already. There’s some pure energy to it, a level of sincerity that feels heavenly. A moment where I’ve worked to transcend my sins, and God has allowed me to shine again. A few hours before, I wasn’t even sure I could still do it. Play guitar and sing, and perform better. It’s been about 6 months or longer since I got vegetarian sick, which has made a long recovery necessary. It wasn’t just that either; I burnt the candle at both ends again. I’ve experienced devastating levels of burnout. Can’t say I’m not determined. I’ll save unpacking the damaging effects of hustle culture for another day. Right now I wanna touch on imposter syndrome.

Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

If you’re not familiar with imposter syndrome, I back linked an explanation here. I struggled with not believing I am who people say I am (great) before I ever knew there was a “name” for the mental state. It’s something I’ve changed through changing my inner voice, and continuing to build myself up. I now make conscious efforts to think good things about myself. And after so long, I actually believe I am a wonderful person. I still experience doubts, but I can recover my mental through meditating and faith practice.

Triumph

This past week, I had my first really good, really long rehearsal in months. I almost couldn’t believe it. My mind was searching for flaws or reasons to discredit myself, to criticize this moment. But I found none. I was just really happy, and really peaceful. It took time to warm up, which isn’t my favorite, but I understand it’s part of the process.
I’ve been spending a lot of time meditating and getting closer to God, and just living a slower life to heal from living in overdrive. I felt that practice become muscle memory as I settled into the rehearsal that yielded this Don Toliver cover. One of the reasons I love performing so much, and work at it tirelessly, is the meditative aspect of it. It’s being in the moment, “so make it count,” that makes me feel alive.

What this song means to me

There are a lot of nuances that go into my performances. The emotions of the song, my understanding of it (context), the colors I hear, the key I play it in, and so on. All of it matters to me. With this song in particular, it feels like redemption from a past relationship. “Here I am; I mean you no harm.” I admire the energy of it, the honesty. It’s not sad, but it is a little regretful. It’s a sincere plea for resolution, to work together towards. When the relationship requires effort, to let it be known that I’m willing to try. Are you?

Creative Process

I abbreviated the song, cutting the second half and extending the first. One day I’d love to learn the second part and record an extended cover, but for now this version soothes my soul. It positively stimulates my synesthetic sensibilities, producing warm, glowing oranges and pleasant pinks, like a sunset. It makes me feel good every time I hear it.

A lil sum extra