This post is taken from a recent journal entry.

I started the day off when I got up around noon with a nice to-do list, which I have thus far accomplished two tasks from. The first was putting my laundry away, which I did 90% of. The second was read, which I did for most of the afternoon. I finally finished The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter-and how to make the most of them now, and I gotta say my head is whirling a little bit. It’s making me think about a lot of things. First of all, my regret that I waited this long to finish it; it was the beginning of 2023 when Jon bought me this book and had it sent to my house, a real n—a move on his part. I actually read the first section, which is about work, that winter and spring while I was doordashing. I strongly feel it helped me a lot, because I started turning my work life around shortly after that. I had begun reading the section on love and dating right when I started talking to ——-, and I got ultimately distracted for the summer chasing that relationship and my music career. I really hate that, because I wonder what difference it would have made if I had read that section while we were “dating”, if one can call it that. When that was over, I was sick af, and I had to go on the mend. That would’ve been a perfect time to continue reading the book, but I think I was focused on recuperating. When 2024 came, it quickly became a whirlwind. Honestly, I forgot about the book, and when I remembered it I found myself “too busy” to finish it. I know it’s futile to do shoulda coulda wouldas, but my regret deepened after I tried to date —– this past summer and that blew up in my face. I finally picked the book up again in January after I got over the flu, after dealing with my new friend Chuck* and all his 20 year old glory. The dating section that I had been avoiding was not as scary as I thought, and a lot of the stuff in there were things I had already been thinking about. Still, it was a helpful bullet to bite.

Today, I woke up in a low mood, unmotivated despite my ever pressing list of goals and tasks and projects.

It’s like I just lost my drive… for 3 months. I’ve been down since November, to be honest. It was the breakup and shooting the music video and the multiple jobs that took me out. Once we got all the footage for the music video, I tapped out. And by tapped out I mean in November I spent 12 hour days at the studio, working during the day and doing sessions at night. The number of hours is actually irrelevant; I paid no attention to the time. I left when I got tired. And it felt bad, but it felt good. I was running from something, but also running towards something I needed. Bad. Which is to make music. I don’t regret that time, because I got comfortable on my instruments again. And I started touching my old music again, too. These were things I didn’t really get to do all 2024, because I was pursuing jobs and relationships. I don’t really regret that either, because I came out of last year with better relationships with better people than I’ve had in a long time, maybe ever. In truth, now that I’m looking back, I closed out the year feeling good about how I spent it, and good about taking the last 2 months to reflect, rest and recuperate. I was feeling bad yesterday because my work on my projects seems to have slowed down to a crawl, but now I remember that was intentional.

Once January came, I got distracted again though.

This time it was Chuck*. My motivation had largely gone into hiding, and it was even easier to ignore during my Chuckship. I deeply enjoyed the time we spent together though. Now that he has moved back to Nashville, I wonder what it was all for. Well, after finishing The Defining Decade, I wonder if it didn’t all happen to get me back on track. The section that I was reading today about the minds of 20-somethings in the workplace had everything to do with what Chuck and I have been going through at work. It made me feel better because it explained it and what to do about it, and I found myself deeply wishing that Chuck was reading it too. I also had to realize that this is my life, not his, that I’m responsible for, and for me doing the right thing is reading this book right now. And like everything else with Chuck, I can only offer him things; it’s his choice to take it. I’m not finna try to make him read this book, or do anything for that matter. I was sad about him moving away suddenly, but I want him to live his life. I also realized that our relationship wasn’t as healthy as I thought it was, and that has a lot to do with me and the baggage I carry. But he plays his part too. And all of this makes me realize, my 20s are passing me by and I still need to get where I’m going. When I received this book, I was 24 years old. I felt like it was a great time to receive it; I still had almost 6 years left of my 20s. Now I’m going to be 27 in 3 months, and I’m only slightly looking back in horror like where did the time go? I had to do a full inventory while staring off into the yard this afternoon, pausing my porch-reading: I spent the first 2 years of my 20s pursuing my musicianship and songwriting so hard, and I became successful. I spent the following couple of years educating myself on the business and the industry, and I became smarter and more equipped. The last couple of years I have spent turning my life around, leaving the restaurant industry for good (which was a huge, important dream of mine) and switching all my earnings over to music-related endeavors. I told myself in 2023, I don’t wanna live my life doing things that make me unhappy. Especially for money. Living by that philosophy, I went from doordashing to interning part time in a record store, to interning full time in a record store and then becoming a DJ, to DJing and expanding my role at the record store, working with a legendary music artist who I now consider my friend as well as my client, to adding receptionist at a world-class, legendary studio to my job list. I almost forgot to add in the part where I mastered my first record, planned, scripted and directed my first music video, all for my original music while doing all of these other jobs. And trying to date. 

All that being said, yea I was f—–g tired at the end of 2024. 

So I can’t be that mad at myself for the way January of 2025 went. The time I spent with Chuck the first 2 weeks was really, really beautiful. We had wholesome fun, and healing therapy sessions. I can’t say I regret it at all. I can say it took its toll on me, because I got super sick immediately after, and all the drama that occurred not long after that has drained me emotionally. But still, I must go forward. So what did I learn from the book I finished today?

The choices we make right now matter a s–t ton more than I may have ever realized.

And I first realized that when I was 19. The way I spend my time now determines my future. Nothing is set in stone though, and so I have nothing to fear, because anything is possible. However, I do have more goals to set and planning to put in motion. I have been knowing the way I spend my 20s is important, and I get reminded pretty regularly. The Chuckship is a big big reminder. I believe that, among other reasons, God took Chuck away from me because I wanted him too much. I had started to put too much on his young shoulders, wanting him to be my accomplice in life but especially in my music career. I saw us taking over the world with our talent and gifts. Our friendship was too easy, so natural & organic. I fell into it like quicksand. It just sucked me in. And the music we made together is so beautiful. I’m grateful our friendship still exists now, but I realize I have no idea what it’s going to look like. And to be honest, I don’t expect much effort on his part. Call it a gut feeling rooted in pessimism. And to be honest again, this separation feels super healthy for me. I was struggling so much with my emotions surrounding him, and now I’m able to put them in perspective.

Now I’m able to see that, I don’t need him.

It is better to put your trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man. I wanted to depend on him so much for so many things. That’s why it rocked my world when I found out he moved away, because with it he took all my visions of the cool and fun and beautiful things we were gonna do together while he was here. I’m reminded of him standing on the sidewalk a couple days ago saying, “I’m not dead!” But to me, those dreams are. And I know I’m dramatic, but I can’t help it. It’s why I write songs. My drama better serves me there. That night I was driving back from Nashville I wanted to text him, “I think I was born with extra feelings, lol.” I believe that serves a purpose too.

So I’ve done a lot of reflecting in this passage, now I want to do some looking forward.

I’m going to spend the last 3 years of my 20s building a f—–g dope a–, beautiful a–, authentic, bumping a– catalog of music that I write and play on. I’m going to spend it finishing the music projects I’ve already started as well, and putting them all out into the world. I’m going to write and act in and direct my own music videos, I’m going to collaborate on music and projects that move me. I’m going to make the majority of my money from working on music, in music, and around music. I’ll make money from investments too. I’m going to build a 6 figure a year income doing so. I’m going to build strong, healthy, lasting relationships with like-minded people, and along the way I’m going to meet the man God wants me to marry, and I’ll marry him in my early 30s. We’ll have 2 kids by the time I’m 35, maybe a third by 36. We will both be established in our careers doing what we love and are passionate about, and we’ll build our lives together. We’ll be a power couple like Rihanna and ASAP Rocky, like Michelle and Barack, like Kali Uchis and Don Toliver. I will have won my first grammy by the time I’m 29, and I will win at least a dozen more in my 30s. I will somehow balance touring, recording, business-building, marriage, and motherhood in my 30s. It will be challenging, but beyond rewarding. I will have an incredible support system to help me, who I will also pour into and help take care of.

My life is going to be beautiful beyond my wildest dreams. 

I realized while finishing the book today that I’ve been depressed and unmotivated because I haven’t really been doing anything for the last month. I have worked some, rehearsed some, spent some time on friendships and other various tasks of relevance and importance, but a large amount of the time hasn’t been spent towards my goals or projects or on my personal development. It’s not that I have been wasting my time, but I feel like it’s been very loose, I have very much been not caring, or just leaving it up to chance, in light of the uncertainty of my work schedule. Today, I feel good about how I spent my time. Yea, I woke up depressed and unmotivated, but I didn’t stay that way. I put on Billie Eillish’s newest record, which I then listened to 10 times in a row, and I made myself eat something, and I went on ahead and finished the book I started 2 years ago. Actually, I feel damn good about that. Never mind the guilt for it taking me 2 years, I’m glad I finally got it over with. I know that’s how I’m gonna feel about most of the things I have put on hold right now. Honestly, that’s what’s been making me feel bad too. I’ve spent more time thinking about all the things I need and want to do than actually doing them. Granted, I really did have other important s–t come up. So I’m gonna accept that what’s past is past, remember that I’m only in control of right now, and make the most of it by alleviating my guilt for what I haven’t done yet by chipping away at it.

One step, one moment, one breath at a time. 

I think it’s funny that I have so much to write now just because I spent a few hours reading the last couple of days. It’s like the more I read, the more I write, and the more I listen to music, the more I have music to pour out. But if I’m doing neither, I feel like I don’t have s–t going. My balance lies in doing all the things, in moderation. 

I feel like setting a lot of goals now, like reading a book or two a month, putting out 2 projects and 2 music videos this year, recording at least 2 projects, blogging once a month, starting a retirement fund, getting health insurance. I also wanna date. At some point. One of my good friends told me to focus on my music and focus on healing myself, and he’s right. I am and I will. But after reading this book, I don’t think avoiding dating altogether is a solution. I think I’ve been avoiding dating for 8 years and it may have kept me from getting pregnant, but it hasn’t kept me from getting distracted by men who wouldn’t commit to me. I think I do need to date, but I need to be cautious and intentional about it. Mhm, that felt like some grown woman s–t. 

Another thing I realized after reading the book:

I have known I want to get married since I was in my early 20s. I think it was around 2020, when I turned 22, that I figured out that’s what I want. And I quickly realized that I don’t know how to get married, but just like everything else in my life, I should google it and try to teach myself how. And then I realized that’s how I have become successful at anything; I have sought to educate myself on it. I feel good when I educate myself; it’s how I overcome adversity. Knowing that’s where my strength lies, or rather being reminded of that right now, makes me feel better about moving forward. I may have been feeling lost recently, but I know how to find myself.