I’m not sacrificing myself for anybody or anything. Nothing in this world is worth that.

Sometimes I feel I near the edge of sacrificing myself though. Mentally.

I read something a moment ago that hit me like a power punch in my gut.

You are allowed to put yourself first.

I stopped reading & let that sink in.

In May, I hardly felt like I had a moment to myself. Everything I did was for people I care about. So I have no regrets.

In June, I’m choosing myself.

I still have commitments I intend to honor. There are other projects I started & find myself paused with. There are goals & tasks I once thought important that hardly seem to matter at all right now. There are methods of existing that seemed viable that are no longer valid to me. Basically, a lot of things I no longer give a f*ck about.

But what’s beautiful about this moment, is being so closely aligned to people & things & ideas I do truly care about. That’s why I feel like I’m in a hyperbolic time chamber; in this place, time is not linear. I experience points in my present & future, but the past is untouchable. I witness it through a dense pane of glass. When I feel glimpses of my future, the how is generally unclear, but the what seems simple. Who & where are choices influenced by decisions now & later. When is a matter of time.

Zazen / Focus

Zazen is my day to day now. I recall focusing on the given moment in any given moment. I have to in order to reinforce this discipline of creating the life I want to live. It has called me to shut most people out. I’ve been unable to respond to anyone unless it pertains to what needs to be solved right now. I don’t give energy to explaining over & over, & I haven’t yet found a simple explanation to provide people with. And I don’t think I owe anyone an explanation. I know when certain people see the fruits of my labor, they will only want to be a part of my life more. And there won’t be a place for everyone. That’s just what it is.

You are allowed to take up space.

You are allowed to eat.

You are allowed to change course.

You are allowed to take your time.

You are allowed to have periods of stagnancy.

You are allowed to start over.

You are allowed to change your mind.

You are allowed to speak up.

You are allowed to change.

You are allowed to love yourself.

I don’t know what my soul friend Willie Greene was on when he wrote page 102 of his book Not Sure Who Needs to Hear This, But… he was on one that day.

Every single one of these lines is reverberating in my soul today.

I prayed to God to grant me wisdom, understanding, patience, & discernment, & to make me into the woman he wants me to be, without anything bad &/or unfortunate happening. Lord, I had no idea growth could happen so quickly. Sometimes I feel like I’m outgrowing things moment to moment. I have to; I have to remain ready to change to become the person I’ve always wanted to be. That’s another reason I feel like time is moving past me at warp speed.

The days pass & the clock moves just the same as always. But I experience it differently.

Perspective is Key.

Final Thoughts

I chose this image because it represents what I’m truly striving for. Kali Uchis established a beautiful music catalog, her career, found her life partner, & had her child on her terms. She also established self respect. She gets to be herself, an artist, a partner, a mother, a friend. And the universe aligns to that. Of course there are still challenges, but to me she strikes me as a woman who knows herself, her worth, her values, & she isn’t tripping off no dumb sh*t. She’s living her life as the honorable woman she is, & that’s everything I am too. So this portrait represents a moment in my timeline that I’ve already experienced, but in this human linear perspective is yet to come.

I thank God for victory, abundance, prosperity, peace, & love.